Monday, October 27, 2008

Supermarket stand-up comedy

Step right up
Step right up
Step right up
Everyone's a winner, bargains galore
That's right, you too can be the proud owner
Of the quality goes in before the name goes on
One-tenth of a dollar
One-tenth of a dollar
We got service after sales
You need perfume? we got perfume
How 'bout an engagement ring?
Something for the little lady
Something for the little lady
Something for the little lady, hmm
Three for a dollar
We got a year-end clearance, we got a white sale
And a smoke-damaged furniture
You can drive it away today
Act now, act now
And receive as our gift, our gift to you
They come in all colors, one size fits all
No muss, no fuss, no spills
You're tired of kitchen drudgery
Everything must go
Going out of business
Going out of business
Going out of business sale
Fifty percent off original retail price
Skip the middle man
Don't settle for less
How do we do it?
How do we do it?
Volume, volume, turn up the volume
Now you've heard it advertised, don't hesitate
Don't be caught with your drawers down
Don't be caught with your drawers down
You can step right up, step right up

That's right, it filets, it chops
It dices, slices, never stops
Lasts a lifetime, mows your lawn
And it mows your lawn
And it picks up the kids from school
It gets rid of unwanted facial hair
It gets rid of embarrassing age spots
It delivers a pizza
And it lengthens, and it strengthens
And it finds that slipper that's been at large
Under the chaise longe for several weeks
And it plays a mean Rhythm Master
It makes excuses for unwanted lipstick on your collar
And it's only a dollar, step right up
It's only a dollar, step right up

'Cause it forges your signature.
If not completely satisfied
Mail back unused portion of product
For complete refund of price of purchase
Step right up
Please allow thirty days for delivery
Don't be fooled by cheap imitations
You can live in it, live in it
Laugh in it, love in it
Swim in it, sleep in it
Live in it, swim in it
Laugh in it, love in it
Removes embarrassing stains from contour sheets
That's right
And it entertains visiting relatives
It turns a sandwich into a banquet
Tired of being the life of the party?
Change your shorts
Change your life
Change your life
Change into a nine-year-old Hindu boy
Get rid of your wife
And it walks your dog, and it doubles on sax
Doubles on sax, you can jump back Jack
See you later alligator
See you later alligator
And it steals your car
It gets rid of your gambling debts, it quits smoking
It's a friend, and it's a companion
And it's the only product you will ever need
Follow these easy assembly instructions
It never needs ironing
Well it takes weights off hips, bust
Thighs, chin, midriff
Gives you dandruff, and it finds you a job
It is a job
And it strips the phone company free
Take ten for five exchange
And it gives you denture breath
And you know it's a friend, and it's a companion
And it gets rid of your traveler's checks
It's new, it's improved, it's old-fashioned
Well it takes care of business
Never needs winding
Never needs winding
Never needs winding
Gets rid of blackheads, the heartbreak of psoriasis
Christ, you don't know the meaning of heartbreak, buddy
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon
'Cause it's effective, it's defective
It creates household odors
It disinfects, it sanitizes for your protection
It gives you an erection
It wins the election
Why put up with painful corns any longer?
It's a redeemable coupon, no obligation
No salesman will visit your home
We got a jackpot, jackpot, jackpot
Prizes, prizes, prizes, all work guaranteed
How do we do it
How do we do it
How do we do it
How do we do it
We need your business
We're going out of business
We'll give you the business
Get on the business
End of our going-out-of-business sale
Receive our free brochure, free brochure
Read the easy-to-follow assembly instructions
Batteries not included
Send before midnight tomorrow, terms available
Step right up
Step right up
Step right up
You got it buddy: the large print giveth
And the small print taketh away
Step right up
You can step right up
You can step right up
C'mon step right up
(Get away from me kid, you bother me...)
Step right up, step right up, step right up
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon
Step right up
You can step right up
C'mon and step right up
C'mon and step right up

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Animals don't have a choice.
If they're not happy with their place in the world... too bad.
They have to live the life they've been given.
Humans, on the other hand, don't have to.
We have a choice.
If you don't like your place in the world, you can get off anytime you want.
Suicide. That's right.
You don't like the way your life's going,
you don't like the way you are in the world,
anything around you, you can check out anytime you like.
Animals aren't allowed that thought
and believe me, if they were, they would use it.
There'd be a lot of dogs and cats, owned by assholes
that live in high-rises, diving out the windows.
Zebras... if they even had remotely that thought
would take a look at themselves and go, "What the F*#K!"
Black & white in a green & brown world... this blows.
I'm just gonna jump in the river....
I don't have a thumb to work a gun or hold a knife
or even open a jar of pills.
I'm just gonna dive into the next lion's mouth.
Why even bother?"
Now, monkeys have the opposable thumb
so they could kinda do it the exact same way we do.
Now, there's a bunch of people that say,
"Oh, it's against the law".
Well, it's only against the law if you do a crappy job and get caught.
Other people say, "Oh, we should save them".
Yeah, well you know what?
Not everybody wants to be saved.
Not everybody should be saved.
And who are we to force our will upon them?
I mean, isn't that one of the joys about being a human?
Freedom of choice?
Now, it's not all bad.
Now, I'm not saying "Kill yourself".
But if you're gonna be an idiot and do it anyway,
it's no sweat off of my back.
There's a lot of good that could come from it.
A little bit of bad thrown in.

Some of the things:
A job will open...
An apartment will become available...
There'll be more air for me...
They say there's two girls for every guy - if you're a man, there'll be four chicks for me...
There'll be more Ketel One vodka for me...
There'll be one less idiot in line at the bank who gets up to the window without their F*#King slips filled out...
I won't ever have to go to the store to buy my favorite Salt & Vinegar Chips and have the clerk point at you and say, "They bought the last bag"....
You won't help change the McDonald's sign to a Hundred Billion Served...
You'll never get AIDS...
You won't have to worry about calories ever...
No more, "Hey, does this make me look fat?"...
There'll be one less polluting human...
You won't have to recycle... There'll be one less car on the road...
There'll be more Ring Dings for me...
Fifty or so chickens' lives will be spared...
Your fingers won't ever get red from eating pistachios...
You won't be forced to visit your Grandparents on Sundays anymore...
No more church...
You'll be saying, "Hey, World - Kiss My A$$!"...
No more wet dreams about Supermodels...
No more Barry Manilow... Not for a few years anyway...
Wondering "Am I a loser?" will be a thing of the past...
Say good-bye to crappy Xmas presents from Aunts and Uncles...
You won't have to suffer through a Motley Crue reunion...
F*#K flossing and brushing...
You'll never lose sleep over a pregnancy scare...
Adios, Acne...
Worrying whether you fit in or not won't be on your brain...
See ya later, homework...
You'll never have to sit through another movie brought to you by the creators of South Park...
School's out forever....
No more paying bills...
You won't have to do chores...

You won't be able to run over toads with the lawnmower though...
You'll also miss McDonald's French Fries...
Bugs Bunny...
The amazing electrifying feeling that surges through your body when you kiss someone for the first time...
You won't be able to watch the letterbox director's cut of Jaws...
Living above ground...
Pudding crust...
You'll miss the rush of getting your first apartment...
Getting to the point in your life where you can tell your parents to
"F*#K Off! I gotta make my own mistakes, you did"...
You'll miss sex - you'll miss thinking about it, looking for it,
sex by yourself, sex with a partner, sex with multiple partners...
No more summer nights that seem to go on forever...
Roller coasters....
Naming your kid the name you always wanted...
Making a difference in the world...
You'll miss the experience and pleasure of Hallucinogenics...
Watching your neighbor's wife change clothes with her blinds open...
A lifetime of masturbating...
Watching your favorite team sweep the series...
Music, you will definitely miss music...
Trying to sneak into your house drunk - three hours past your curfew...
You'll miss the blaze and glory of the 4th of July fireworks...
The taste of Captain Crunch...
If you're a boy, you'll miss the feeling the first time you reach up a girl's shirt...
If you're a girl, the feeling the first time you reach down a boy's pants...
You'll miss your favorite coat...
Waffles with whipped cream and strawberries...
Beating your friends at video games...
You won't be around to see what shape and color the new marshmallow in Lucky Charms will be...
You'll miss the feeling you get when reminiscing about your first love - thirty years after the fact...
The joy of giving and receiving at Christmas...
Skinny dipping...
Getting stoned, reading Green Eggs & Ham, and eating like a horse that got loose in the grain bin...
Flying cars...

Hey, you were born, finish what you started!

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Yoda haiku

According to God
And Satan
Humanity is.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Attention Alice!

"The palace of power is a labyrinth of interconnecting rooms", Max once said to his sleepy child. She imagined it into being, walked towards it, half-dreaming half-awake. "It's windowless" Max said, "and there is no visible door. Your first task is to find out how to get in. When you've solved that riddle, when you come as a supplicant into the first anteroom of power, you will find in it a man with the head of a jackal, who will try to chase you out again. If you stay he will try to gobble you up. If you can trick your way past him, you will enter a second room, guarded this time by a man with the head of a rabid dog, and in the room after that you'll face a man with the head of a hungry bear, and so on. In the last room but one there's a man with the head of a fox. This man will not try to keep you away from the last room, in which the man of true power sits. Rather, he will try to convince you that you are already in that room and that he himself is that man."

"If you succeed in seeing through the fox man's tricks, and if you get past him, you will find yourself in the room of power. The room of power is unimpressive and in it the man of power faces you across an empty desk. He looks small, insignificant, fearful; for now that you have penetrated his defenses he must give you your heart's desire. That's the rule. But on the way out the fox man, the bear man, the dog man and the jackal man are no longer there. Instead, the rooms are full of half-human flying monsters, winged men with the heads of birds, eagle-men and vulture-men, men-gannets and hawk-men. They swoop down and rip at your treasure. Each of them claws back a little piece of it. How much of it will you manage to bring out of the house of power? You beat at them, you shield the treasure with your body. They rake at your back with gleaming blue-white claws. And when you've made it and are outside again, squinting painfully in the bright light and clutching your poor, torn remnant, you must persuade the skeptical crowd - the envious, impotent crowd! - that you have returned with everything you wanted. If you don't, you'll be marked as a failure forever."

"Such is the nature of power" he told her as slipped towards sleep, "and these are the questions it asks. The man who chooses to enter its halls does well to escape with his life. The answer to the question of power, by the way" he added as an afterthought, "is this: do not enter as a supplicant. Come with meat and a sword. Give the first guardian the meat he craves, for he is always hungry, and cut off his head while he eats: pof! Then offer the severed head to the guardian in the next room, and when he begins to devour it, behead him too. Baf! Et ainsi de suite. When the man of power agrees to grant your demands, however, you must not cut off his head. Be sure you don't. The decapitation of rulers is an extreme measure, hardly ever required, never recommended. Make sure, instead, that you ask not only for what you want but for a sack of meat as well. With the fresh meat supply you will lure the bird-men to their doom. Off with their heads! Snick-snack! Chop-chop until you're free. Freedom is not a tea party, India. Freedom is a war."